why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
thus making me awesome and them whores
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
