I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize