Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I just had sex on a roof
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
