Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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