Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
