As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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