nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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