why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
