i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
