my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
