I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize