why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize