Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
