I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
