I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
It's just like the Real World with babies
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize
