when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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