i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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