dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
