You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
