New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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