I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
