I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
