Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I am midnight drunk by noon
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
