I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Randomize
