I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize