Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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