come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
it's not cheating when I paid for it
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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