I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
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