don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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