sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
