i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
