quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
