In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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