hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
