Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
