I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
