Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
