Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Randomize
