I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
