if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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