he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
