Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Randomize
