There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
