I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Randomize
