yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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