she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
