I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
