I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
