I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
