There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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