There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
They took my balls.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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