i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
