Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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