We named our party play list daddy issues
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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