When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
