Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
