Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
