are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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