Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
