I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
