So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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