ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Randomize
