Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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