Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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